Tag: Relationships

Being Grateful

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.

Melody Beattie

How many times a day do you reflect on the past or worry about the future? Consider the aspects of your life that are lacking? Compare your life to other people’s seemingly ‘perfect’ lives and believe your own is completely inadequate and well below your expectations? If your answers to these questions are high, the chances are that you’re not grateful enough for the things you do have.

So I myself have had a very tough experiencing balancing my adoration for the things I do have in my life, at any stage, for example friends, family, a good home, and the things in life that I could consider I’m ‘lacking’ in. We as humans are creatures of habit, therefore when we’re engaged in a cycle of hopelessness, emptiness, frustration and overall negative thinking, those emotions are naturally extremely hard to shift/remove. In much the same that negative habits take time to build, positive habits are very similar. For us to create such habits as becoming more grateful, an immense of energy, drive and discipline is required. As much as advertisers and marketing agencies like to exploit consumers and promote that ‘you can get the perfect body in 14 days’ or ‘make yourself happier in 5 quick steps’, the stark reality is that anything worth having requires an incredible amount of hard work and desire. As daunting as that may seem.

I’d be completely dishonest if I said I’ve transformed from a pessimist to a optimist in a matter of years, however what I can say is that the time and effort I’ve set aside to focus on my mental health has aided my wellbeing and allowed me to progress more than I ever envisaged (despite numerous setbacks).

The number of painful experiences I’ve endured were definitely difficult to handle, however on the flipside they’ve made the person I am today (cliche I know). If I hadn’t suffered adversity, or never faced mental health problems, I believe that many good things I now have in my life wouldn’t exist. And who knows what situation I’d find myself in now if I hadn’t gone through certain challenges?

From making tough decisions, for example leaving college or cutting off friends who weren’t good for me, it opened my life up to an endless number of opportunities and great people I wouldn’t have explored/encountered if I didn’t have the courage and authority to make a change and put myself first. It’s so easy for us in life to settle and remain where we are, usually as a ‘safety net’, yet what I’ve learnt is sometimes we have to make difficult decisions for the good of our health. Even if they do make us scared. And uncomfortable. And doubtful.

While I’m by no means advocating people causing themselves unnecessary pain and stress for the sake of making a hard or perhaps controversial decision, it’s important to remember that what we think and what we need are not always the same thing. The problem is that our head and heart are regularly in a battle between each other, so it’s about balancing the two and recognising our limits. Take calculated risks, but try not to bulldoze ahead. If something isn’t working, maybe all you require is a slightly different approach! A 5% alteration could prove monumental.

As the old adage states: If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. Sometimes we have to be bold, think outside of the box and do something different to what we usually opt for.

Confronted by a mindset of constant anxiety, stress and defeatism, it can be easy to spend so much of our time zoning in on our biggest failures or the areas of our lives that are lacking, that we almost become unaware of all the wonderful things we have staring us straight in the face that bring huge joy. Yes you may not have an amazing car, your own fairytale marriage, your dream job or a bottomless pit of money, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have plenty of good things that you can cherish. It’s merely a matter of perspective. How we think heavily influences how we act.

If you were to picture the happiest people in the world, would I be speaking out of turn if I said that they’re not always the ones with seemingly perfect lives? We are drawn in by this idea that particular things, items or possessions directly equate to happiness, but the truth is that’s often misconceived. The happiest people aren’t usually the ones with a never-ending supply of money, massive mansions or lavish lifestyles- they are the ones who can be grateful for what they do have. However insignificant what they have seems to be, according to someone like you or me looking in from the outside.

When we get can to a place where we appreciate the good more than being consumed by the bad, surely that’s when we’ll be winning and life will feel more enjoyable. Here’s hoping we get to this point sooner rather than later- if you haven’t already that is!

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam Howard2 Comments

Living And Dealing With Attachment Issues

Part of me is afraid to get close to people because I’m afraid that they’re going to leave.

Marilyn Monroe

Going through life, how many of us would say that our relationships and the way we interact with others is something we hugely value and place significant importance on? Now correct me if I’m wrong, but my instinct is telling me that this area of life is massively crucial in maintaining good mental health and allowing us to feel fulfilled. After all, if we experience good and bad times (as most people do), it’s only natural that we’ll want other people to come along on that ride too. To celebrate and support us. Am I right?

When each and every one of us is born and brought in the world, it’s obviously impossible for us to fend for ourselves, therefore we become attached and forced to rely on our parents/caregivers to nurture us and aid our development. During the first few years of our life, most children will experience the feeling of being fed, being washed, being clothed, being walked and being protected- until the time comes that we can do this ourselves. While you would hope that EVERY child deserves and subsequently receives such an upbringing, the stark reality is that many children out there are not given a sufficient amount of love, care and support throughout their childhood. And when a child lacks these key elements, or possibly experiences a form of trauma or difficult life event, it’s common for them to express symptoms of attachment later on in life.

Although I’m by no means saying that love or strong human interaction isn’t necessary or beneficial, I believe that my own experiences of getting attached to others and feeling a strong sense of neediness have taught me that there are fine margins between having healthy relationships and relying too much on others to make us feel happy and content. From the moment I was born on 11th February 2000 to where I am now, I’d be lying if I said my family haven’t showed me consistent love and support, however that’s the strange thing about attachment. While it may be true that a lack of quality parenting (as I mentioned) sometimes contributes to major attachment issues in adulthood, my experiences have been caused by factors unbeknownst to me. Every person’s experience is obviously unique to them!

In recent years, I have been fortunate enough to meet plenty of inspirational people and make a number of great friends along the way, however that has coincided with me feeling often on edge and that I have to try almost too hard to maintain their interest and strengthen the friendship. The friends I now have may be kind, understanding and compassionate (more than I could wish for), yet it’s frustrating how my mind persistently convinces me that I simply HAVE to put in such an amount of effort that most people would consider overbearing and annoying. That I have to message somebody again when they ‘leave me on read’ because my anxiety and curiosity gets the better of me. That I have to check that I haven’t annoyed or upset them 57 million times. That I feel frustrated and pissed off at the world when certain interactions with people don’t go to plan. If I’m being brutally honest, it’s a cycle that regularly feels near impossible to break.

Although I must say that I know in the moment that I could make a situation worse, or push somebody away, I find it extremely difficult to refrain from acting impulsively and take a step back.To reflect and weigh up the best solution. I’m definitely a case of someone who wants to put situations to bed quickly- especially if they’re playing on my mind constantly and affecting my mood! Though this can be a good thing and allow a swift resolution to some situations, the big problem is that trying to ‘nip things in the bud’ early can lead to greater heartache and mental torture. And even if I do feel close to somebody in the moment, it’s undoubtedly a short-term fix to a long term, deep-rooted psychological problem.

I have often preached on my website and through my work campaigning the importance of working on ourselves, nevertheless I do know that I struggle to take my own advice sometimes. It’s brilliant that I have such supportive friends and areas of my life that I can be proud of, yet my own experiences, as well as many other people’s, have proved that we are in charge of our own happiness, our own destiny. It’s impossible for anybody else to magically create the dream life for me/you.

Attachment may be something that many people struggle with, but it doesn’t have to rule over our lives or be something to feel ashamed of. As debilitating and difficult my experiences have been, and are still, I do want a life where I could express such emotions in an environment where I feel understood and heard. Where my mind doesn’t allow me to run away with itself to the point of self-destruction and no return. Where my I can manage my emotions in a healthy manner and wrestle back some sort of self-control. The last thing I want is to be a prisoner of my own mind.

With all the extra time we have now due to the COVID-19 lockdown, I do feel as though that I’ve ruminated too frequently and therefore latched onto other people often as means of providing myself with comfort, stability and support. That being said, as we move forward and restrictions ease, one of my biggest priorities will be to maintain a better routine in my life, work on challenging certain negative thoughts and be open about these experiences more often.

There’ll be so many others going through similar things to me, and I hope that by sharing this, it may give someone out there the encouragement they need to do the same. There should NEVER be any shame for talking about what’s going on in your mind! Attachment is a topic no where near discussed enough….

Thanks for reading,

Adam

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After Life: A Review

Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.

C.S. Lewis

As someone who’s been an avid fan of Ricky Gervais and his comedy for many years, particularly his role as David Brent in BBC’s ‘The Office’, it came as no shock to me when the first series of ‘After Life’ was released last year that I absolutely loved it. And for so many different reasons. Having now recently watched the second and most recent series of the Netflix original show, I thought it’d be interesting to provide my take on the storyline and why I enjoyed it so much.

Just to give some context: In the first episode of Series 1, Tambury Gazette Reporter Tony (played by Gervais) loses his long-term wife Lisa to Cancer and is plunged into a world of incredible, intense grief. Coming terms with such a loss, Tony begins to suffer with regular suicidal thoughts, has huge outbursts of aggression/frustration towards family friends and colleagues, loses a sense of purpose, has an innate lack of motivation and is most probably only stopped from taking his own life by his Dog Brandy and the responsibilities that come with looking after a pet. Simply speaking, he is a man who wants to punish the world for how awful he feels by doing whatever he wants. Despite what the consequences could be!

Fast forward to Series 2 and Tony is very much still learning to cope without his wife Lisa and the ‘gaping hole’ he feels because his wife is no longer around. Though having made some improvements in his wellbeing and his treatment of others, such as the heartwarming scenes where he each takes co-workers Sandy and Kath for coffee, or setting-up his postman (aptly named Pat) with a local ‘sex worker’ friend, what After Life does remarkably well is provide a sense of rawness and honesty around grief that I’ve very seldom seen in a TV show before. No sugar-coating, no skimming over key issues, no BULLSHIT. And this is distinctly clear throughout.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humour and hurt.

Erma Bombeck

So many shows are no accustomed to avoiding the discussion of particular hard-hitting topics, or perhaps not being realistic or in-depth enough for fear of upsetting or offending people, however you certainly can’t say the same for this. Combine Tony’s brutal honesty and brashness with slapstick comedy from him and the various other characters, and you get a show which will leaves its viewers in hysterical laughter one minute and flooding with tears the next.

While I appreciate the tender nature of heavy language, as well as the heavy topic of death, may put some people off from watching, the roller-coaster of emotions incurred by laugh-out-loud comedy and gut-wrenching grief mean that there is something in it for everybody. No matter what your tastes are.

When we think of all the great TV series or movies we have seen, would it be a safe bet to say that most of the greatest successes are ones where we can relate to the characters and the situations they find themselves in? Where you can look at certain person like Tony, Matt or Sandy and think ‘I know how they feel’, that makes sense, or I’ve been through a similar experience to that. If we can relate to something or somebody, naturally we will embrace and be drawn into a narrative much more. In my opinion, After Life does this to near perfection!

With the topics of death and grief being so at the forefront of the storyline, you’d imagine it’d be hugely challenging to include such frequent and witty snippets of humour without seeming to ‘make light of’the issues discussed and that so many people undoubtedly experience everyday. Comedy may be often a safe haven for talking about difficult topics and bringing them into the spotlight, however that doesn’t mean nobody ever oversteps the line and causes more harm than good. After all the line can be very blurred!

That being said, over the course of 6 episodes, I honestly believe that the balance between comedy and exploring difficult emotions was managed well. Controversial remarks and scenes were certainly aplenty throughout the series, nonetheless they were projected using a sense of irony whereby viewers could laugh uncontrollably during a situation which would usually be serious and without laughter. Particularly Matt (Tony’s brother-in-law) and his experience with a ridiculous, incompetent therapist in an attempt to solve problems in his marriage.

Although the overall purpose of After Life is to provide an honest account of the impacts of loss, and that recovery isn’t linear, I’d say that my favourite part of season 2 was being able and comfortable to laugh at any given opportunity. It wasn’t forced!

Following the huge success of the 2nd series, Gervais also recently announced that Netflix have commissioned a 3rd series coming in 2021. I for one, can’t wait to see how the storyline will progress and what will happen next.

Could a new romance be on the cards for Tony I wonder?!

P.S. Apologies if I gave any spoilers, I tried my best to avoid many key details.

Thanks for reading,

Adam

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Self-Love: Why Is it So Important?

Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It is sanity.

Katrina Mayer

If you had to name ten things that you love, at the drop of a hat right now, how many of you could truthfully say that ‘yourself’ or anything related to that would be on the list? If I’m being brutally honest it wouldn’t be on mine, nor do I suspect it would be on the majority of your lists either. While we are taught from an early age how to love, respect and be kind to the people around us, my burning question is why is the relationship we have with ourselves not held in the same high regard? In today’s post, I’m going to share why I’m attempting to embrace the act of self-love more and the reasons why it’s so crucial.

In a modern world where our quest for likes, follows, attention, being endeared and this whole concept of instant success and gratification sits very much at the forefront of our brains, often without realising,is it any wonder that our focus has shifted from loving ourselves to feeling like we need acceptance off others to create a life where we feel happy about who we are? While I undoubtedly agree that the people with interact with and friendships we nurture play a key role in make our lives more fulfilled and enjoyable, it seems as though our increasing infatuation with other people has become rather ‘artificial’ and dangerous. Dangerous in the fact that for so many of us, our happiness is almost solely based on the opinion of others. Whether they like or dislike us. What they are thinking. And even people we sometimes don’t even know or care about. Particularly in the realm of social media, the opinions or expression of others is often disingenuous anyway!

What I have recognised, particularly from my own experiences, is no matter how many likes, comments, compliments or whatever you receive, it will not take away your problems. In that very moment you may get an endorphin release, feeling of satisfaction or sense of self-importance, but what I have found is that soon disappears. A fix comparable to a drug/gambling addiction.

Everybody in life is searching for a sense of purpose, importance and appreciation in one way or another, however it’s vital that we are not overwhelmed by it. For more times that I can remember, I’ve sat on my phone waiting for a text or been clinging onto the hope of somebody acting a certain way, yet all that has done is create a litany of confusion, frustration and self-doubt. All that time spent looking for approval, annoyingly, could have been put to better use being productive or doing something to improve my own life. Sadly, this is also the case for so many other people out there!

Here are just a few examples of activities I now do in order to better myself:

  1. Working-out at the gym: Helps build confidence, releases stress
  2. Reading books: Allows learning of new techniques, provides inspiration
  3. Journalling: Can put thoughts on paper and rationalise them more
  4. Meditation: Brings a sense of calm, encourages present thinking
  5. Motivational Podcasts: Gives hope, can repeat positive affirmations

Although I appreciate adopting an attitude of ‘self-love’ is far from easy, especially as I have a long road ahead myself, I truly believe that accepting who we are as people can only benefit us as we navigate through life. If you think of all the instances you felt disappointed, angry, frustrated, helpless etc. at yourself, somebody else or even a situation, wouldn’t it be great to be in a positions where silly things we previously viewed as significant pale into insignificance? Whereby if something has gone wrong, we accept that not everything can go to plan but we are strong enough to deal with the consequences. Where we say ‘I can do this’ and ‘everything will be okay’, not ‘what’s the point?’ and ‘I’m not strong enough’.

After all, if we as people embrace who we are and what we stand for, wouldn’t we be better equipped to cope should something go wrong? Particularly in our desire to please other people, the big problem is that we have no control over how they act. It’s fantastic to have people around who care and love us, however it’s also important that we do not become reliant on others to make us happy and feel secure. By starting to feel happy and content within yourself, it’ll be a massive boost to the various other aspects of your life too. Whether it be your job, finances or interpersonal relationships, happiness breeds success.

Take it from me- if you are stuck in a place of worthlessness and feeling of no return- you are so much less likely to get what you want. While making positive changes is far from ‘plain sailing’ and ‘down days’ are perfectly natural, my advice to anybody reading would be to prioritise your own mental health. By no means should you neglect the people closest to you, however you should undoubtedly consider your own needs more. Doing that doesn’t make you selfish- it makes you human. Let’s stop making people feeling guilty for it! Being kind to ourselves is vital.

Repeat after me: I am the most important person, I accept who I am, I am worthy of love.

What I continue to say is it’ll be worth all the hard work in the end!

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam Howard4 Comments

Dating, Relationships And Mental Health

A true relationship is two unperfect people refusing to give up on each other.

When we think of life and what makes us happy, prosperous and truly content, chances are that a stable, loving relationship is pretty close to the top of our priority lists. Most probably alongside friendships, an enjoyable job, and a secure financial situation. Although I do appreciate the idea of finding happiness can be down to a whole number of other factors- and is clearly individual to each person- in my opinion, strong interpersonal relationships are a key ingredient to living a more fulfilled life. For today’s post, I wanted to explore my own experiences of relationships and dating, as well as the effect they have had on my mental wellbeing!

So throughout my teenage years, when the pressure to date and engage in romantic relationships mounts, I very much struggled to deal with those expectations. While the people around me I knew from school and outside activities felt seemingly comfortable doing this, I felt reluctant and scared to do so through the fear of embarrassment or rejection, not to mention the fact that I had very little idea around what I wanted. The idea of parties and socialising with large numbers of people would petrify me. I’d isolate myself from friends. Slowly but surely I was becoming a recluse; spending the majority of time at home in my room. And worst of all, I continued to ask myself these questions. Why am I feeling like this? How can I change it? Are other people feeling the same, or am I just different? To say I was confused would be an understatement.

Now when I felt these emotions, naturally it made it almost impossible to have a relationship. Girls my age simply didn’t see me like that. At best it would be friendship, nothing more. Although at the time I couldn’t see it, I now realise that it was my mental health issues that were leading to problems in my interpersonal relationships. As well as many other aspects of my life.

When I finally lost my virginity at the age of 19 and subsequently entered my first proper relationship, around 3 years after leaving school, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t come as a surprise. While I never previously envisaged myself using apps such as Tinder and Bumble as a method of finding a partner, it was one of these that led me to meet my first girlfriend. As I’m sure many of you reading this can relate to or have possibly experienced yourself, your first relationship is a complete mixture of emotions. You’ve got the excitement and wonder of seeing where things will progress, indecision around how you should act and approach your relationship, and even the natural fear of what will happen if something goes wrong; if it doesn’t work out. For whatever reason. Like anything new in life, we are very unsure of what to expect.

Despite the fact that my first and last relationships definitely flopped, not to mention were very detrimental to my own mental health, I now recognise that those failures happened for a reason. And that I’ve simply never been ready to have a successful relationship. All too often you witness people in fruitless marriages, with people they don’t love, who they simply ‘put up’ with, however, my own experiences of mental health problems have made me realise that life is worth more. Yes I may crave attention, yes I may take rejection hard, yes I may put my heart and soul into everything, but I still refuse to accept a relationship that isn’t right. It’d be unfair on me and the other person. Finding love is something that should just come naturally!

To finish, here’s some corny but rather great advice I recently received: You’ve got to love yourself before you can love anybody else. Focus on becoming a better version of you. A brilliant relationship is just around the corner!

P.S. It’s okay to feel vulnerable and shitty sometimes, that’s what makes us human 🙂

Thanks for reading,

Adam

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Get Involved……

Hi everybody, just a short piece for today’s post.

For those of you that don’t know, last year I set up my own YouTube channel dedicated to sharing my opinions and experiences on a variety of mental health topics. After making consistent content for a few months, I will admit that I lost my passion and motivation to make videos and decided to stop. Not to mention the fact I was struggling severely in my own mental health at that time. Campaigning of any kind simply had to take a backseat.

As previously shared on the videos page of this website, I’ve also been fortunate enough to be involved with some fantastic videos as part of my role as a Time to Change champion and Mental Health campaigner in general. Reflecting on these experiences recently has not only given me an immense feeling of pride, but in addition reignited my burning desire to make a difference, allow people to share their personal experiences and challenge the negative attitudes that still surround mental health.

Although very simple, the idea I’ve had is for participants to film themselves answering a number of mental health-related questions, of which they will be edited together to create one complete video (i.e. a compilation). While the questions have not yet been chosen, my aim for the project is to include around 5-6 people of a range of backgrounds. This is to ensure that the recording is neither too long nor short and that we have a broad spectrum of experiences to make the video as effective as possible!

If you wish to be involved or know somebody who may be, feel free to get in touch via the contact page on this website. Ever since the idea came to mind I’ve been itching to get started, therefore any help you could provide in bringing it to fruition would be hugely appreciated. Hopefully I’ll hear from some of you soon and I look forward to sharing the finished product!

Thanks for reading,

Adam

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7 Signs Your Mental Health Is Declining

You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn’t mean you’re defective- it just means you’re human.- David Mitchell

With an estimated 1 in 4 of us now suffering with a mental health problem each year, it’s becoming all the more important for people to notice the signs of a dip in their mental health before the issue spirals, and so they can act. I know from experience that it’s not always easy to identify the signs, therefore I wanted to use today’s post to share what I’ve learned and provide some pointers that people could potentially benefit from!

1. Lack of Social Interaction, Isolation

Although I would always emphasise that people prioritise self-care and take time for themselves, hiding away from the world and rarely speaking to friends, family, colleagues etc. is a clear indicator that your mental health is on a downturn. It’s very easy to think that the people around you won’t care when you’re struggling, however more often than not reaching out for support or catching up with a loved one can be a huge boost to your wellbeing. A problem shared is a problem halved!

2. Anger, Frustration

Lashing out or getting frustrated with the people around us is something we’ve all done at one time or another, however regular occurrences of anger could be a sign that you’re struggling to channel and control your emotions effectively. Negative thoughts can be incredibly hard to handle, process and change- therefore that frustration of not knowing what to do means other people often bear the brunt of these emotions. Rightly or wrongly.

3. Feeling Like a Burden

Particularly with the stigma that still exists around mental health, many people with mental health issues suffer in silence and don’t receive the support they desperately need. This may be the case as people feel like they shouldn’t unload their problems onto others, they’re not worthy of support, and/or because the fear of judgment is too overwhelming. It’s a massive step to admit you need help and to ask for it, although it’s definitely worth doing. Take my word for it!

4. Sleeping Too Much- or Too Little

When we feel low mentally, it can often result in fatigue, lethargy and a lack of motivation, therefore sleeping to excessive levels is a clear sign that you are slipping below your best. On the other hand, it’s also very common for people to sleep very little- simply because lots of negative thoughts mean our minds are constantly active and it becomes harder to fall into a deep sleep. Rest is incredibly important in managing our wellbeing so keep an eye out for both!

5. Breakdown in Relationships

From my own experiences, I’ve noticed that during difficult periods with my mental health, my relationships with the people around me have been strained, or sometimes even deteriorated. Especially if somebody fails to understand or empathise with your problems, it makes it very difficult to maintain the relationship you have with that person. Fallouts and arguments are obviously not always mental health related but it can be a factor.

6. Indecisiveness

Simple decisions like what to make for lunch or what to purchase from the shop seem impossible when I’m unwell. It’s something I’ve always battled, although I do know it gets much worse when I feel at a low ebb.

7. Changes in Appetite

While some people with mental health problems lose their appetite altogether, others turn to comfort eating and start to gain weight. It’s not uncommon for our appetites to fluctuate, however, if a pattern is sustained it could be a sign that your mental health is hitting a rough patch.

If you wish to share any of your own ideas or suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments below.

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam Howard1 Comment
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