Tag: Grief

Adam, Where Have You Gone?

Nobody talks about the other loss, the loss that happens within us. We lose people and things, but we also lose parts of ourselves. We grieve those missing parts too.

Caroline George

For only the second time this year, I’m back on this space to blog. To write freely. To express plenty of emotions that have been left unhealthily buried and hidden below the surface for slightly too long. While lots has changed for the better and I will recognise that as well, it feels important that I share the darker side of what’s happened in recent times. Be honest. Pull no punches. As I always have been in previous years when talking about mental health. Fantastic as it is to help others, writing this is more for my own freedom and comfort. And it is okay to say that.

When I started my new job in January, at an organisation that is so passionate about improving lives, I came into the role with great hope and ambitions that I could make my own positive contributions to this extremely worthwhile cause. With plenty going on in my personal life, of which I’ll delve into later, I am proud that I was able to put those problems ‘to the side’ and focus the lion’s share of my energy into doing my job effectively. Initially, to my delight, I was making progress. A large proportion of my job as a marketing and communications assistant involves recruiting volunteers, therefore noticing a considerable spike in volunteer sign-ups filled me with satisfaction. A feeling that the work I’d carried out was being rewarded. Slowly but surely I was getting there. Or so I thought…

Nevertheless, in the previous month or so, the progression of work has ground to a screeching halt. Whenever I turn on my laptop and sit down to tackle work tasks, I cannot maintain focus as my mind flickers from one place to another. Second by second. Minute by minute. One working day feels like a month. The high standards I set of myself are not being met. Not by a long stretch.

Spending copious time browsing and staring at a screen, the novelty of working from home has well and truly worn off as I seek changes of scenery, greater routine, regular face-to-face interaction and real-life conversations. Emails, zoom calls and screen sharing have their place- undoubtedly- however the lack of variety (for me anyway) is both monotonous and draining. With motivation low and productivity hindered, I also feel incredibly guilty and disappointed that I’m not contributing to the same degree as I was in the beginning. Am I cut out for this? Who knows. Do I look elsewhere? Or do I remain patient and pray it gets better with time? Not a fucking clue! Fears of possibly losing my job and being unable to support myself financially run wild in my brain.

Having experienced the loss of an extremely valuable friendship, which has hurt me deeply, not to mention a plethora of horror-like dating disasters, it’s clear to see that the adverse events of my personal life have increasingly spilled over and negatively influenced so many aspects of my life. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’ve felt empty. Numb. Unable to process the trauma I’ve encountered as I flip-flop between a state of denial and shock. Lamenting myself for how certain situations have transpired, I question how I continue to enter precarious situations and make the same types of mistakes that I’ve made in the past. Thoughts of ‘you should know better’ and ‘why have you done that?’ buzz around my head like a bumblebee in the height of summer.

Through attempting to fill a gaping void of those who have walked out on me (rightly or wrong), this has resulted in expending untold amounts of energy into other people. Rather than investing in myself and prioritising my own needs FIRST, I’m craving the love, respect and acceptance that is desperately required from within. The problem is, I’ve been stuck. In searching for validation and becoming overly reliant on others for your own sense of happiness, you set yourself a very dangerous trap. Because, whenever your strive for affection, attention or understanding isn’t met, the self-critique shouts louder. It becomes second nature to try even harder. Make extra effect. Sap your mind of almost all its energy. But the reality is it usually doesn’t make a difference. In fact, the harder you try the more likely you are to ‘drive a wedge’ and push people away. Sad but unfortunately true. And even if the validation does calm your anxiety or put a smile on your face, this is unsustainable and short-term relief at the very most.

Obvious as it probably seems, recent events have smacked me square in the face and confirmed one KEY point. You cannot control other people’s actions and how they feel. Facing a huge crisis in confidence and losing sight of who I really am deep down, it’s time for me to bring the real Adam back. To let go of mistakes and truly look inward. To focus on believing in what I can achieve, controlling the ‘controllables’ and doing more things that light up that ‘fire in the belly’.

As my therapist once asked: “how many friends would you have if you spoke to them the way you spoke to yourself?”

Without hesitation, I uttered “none”.

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

We’ll ALWAYS REMEMBER You Sean Lock

For me, shoes are just a barrier between dog shit and my socks.

Sean Lock

It’s incredibly sad that I’m writing this blog under such horrible circumstances, however I felt it was necessary to come out and express my own personal tribute to the one and only comic Sean Lock, who has sadly passed away from cancer at the age of 58.

While I’m hard pressed to both find and articulate the words worthy of describing the undoubted legend that underpinned the man that Sean Lock was, I’ll begin by saying this. From the day I was first introduced to his comedy on the highly-regarded British TV panel show ‘8 out of 10 cats at the tender age of around 9 or 10, whilst watching the box at home with my family, to the very recent times where I’ve been howling with laughter re-watching his stand-up shows and TV appearances for hours upon end on YouTube, there have been VERY FEW people who have made me laugh as often, as hard and with such ease that Sean Lock has. And will continue to do forever more.

Whenever I’ve had a difficult day, life isn’t going quite going to plan, and I haven’t really known how to make it better, comedy (particularly Sean’s) has provided so many great opportunities to get away from my fears and problems for a while. See the funnier side of life. And when you’re in a negative mindset and everything seems to be grinding you down, testing your resilience, sometimes the ultimate remedy is hearing genuinely good comedy as it allows us to smile and put certain things into perspective. Recognise that life isn’t all bad. That even in adversity and facing major setbacks, we can make life that bit more enjoyable by making light of a difficult situation or having a little chuckle to ourselves. Now for me, that’s what typified Sean Lock. In whichever TV show he found himself on, wherever in the world he was doing stand-up, as well as I imagine at home with friends and family, he had the God-given, uncanny ability to be immensely likeable, dry, effortlessly quick-witted, outrageously funny in the most unlikely, peculiar scenarios (watch ‘Carrot in a Box’ if you haven’t already) and weirdly charming, even to those he was humorously insulting or poking fun at. All at the same time. And that’s no easy feat whatsoever!

When the news regarding his passing initially broke, I couldn’t quite believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. Not him, please not him. Let it be fake news. Even without ever watching him live or meeting him personally, I felt like I knew him. I realise that could sound slightly weird to some, yet having watched so much of his comedy and appreciated the presence and value he brought to every show he featured on, it feels as though I’d built a strong emotional connection with him. Similar to what a mate or a family member could do!

Now in the thousands of tributes that quickly followed, you could clearly see that I wasn’t the only one who felt such a close bond. From the colleagues and true friends he worked closely alongside, like Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford and Jon Richardson, to the average person on the street who has used comedy as a release; an escape, Sean was a person who touched people’s lives in the most profound way. He gave us moments, memories, and snippets of utter brilliance that we can cherish forever. Memories so laugh-out-loud hilarious and clever that it’d be impossible for you to forget them. And that’s what you call the ultimate legacy.

Yes I’ve certainly shed plenty of tears, yes I do feel a void, and yes I will hugely miss watching him on TV making me laugh. That being said, I also recognise this too. Sean was the kind of man who wouldn’t want to see people upset, see people cry and see people miserable. He’d want us to be laughing, joking and using our sense of humour in every possible situation.

Do you know why? Because that’s what he did best!

P.S. If you need any reminder of what an incredible comedian really looks like, I urge you to spend some time checking out the videos linked below. I promise they won’t disappoint!

RIP legend.

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

After Life: A Review

Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.

C.S. Lewis

As someone who’s been an avid fan of Ricky Gervais and his comedy for many years, particularly his role as David Brent in BBC’s ‘The Office’, it came as no shock to me when the first series of ‘After Life’ was released last year that I absolutely loved it. And for so many different reasons. Having now recently watched the second and most recent series of the Netflix original show, I thought it’d be interesting to provide my take on the storyline and why I enjoyed it so much.

Just to give some context: In the first episode of Series 1, Tambury Gazette Reporter Tony (played by Gervais) loses his long-term wife Lisa to Cancer and is plunged into a world of incredible, intense grief. Coming terms with such a loss, Tony begins to suffer with regular suicidal thoughts, has huge outbursts of aggression/frustration towards family friends and colleagues, loses a sense of purpose, has an innate lack of motivation and is most probably only stopped from taking his own life by his Dog Brandy and the responsibilities that come with looking after a pet. Simply speaking, he is a man who wants to punish the world for how awful he feels by doing whatever he wants. Despite what the consequences could be!

Fast forward to Series 2 and Tony is very much still learning to cope without his wife Lisa and the ‘gaping hole’ he feels because his wife is no longer around. Though having made some improvements in his wellbeing and his treatment of others, such as the heartwarming scenes where he each takes co-workers Sandy and Kath for coffee, or setting-up his postman (aptly named Pat) with a local ‘sex worker’ friend, what After Life does remarkably well is provide a sense of rawness and honesty around grief that I’ve very seldom seen in a TV show before. No sugar-coating, no skimming over key issues, no BULLSHIT. And this is distinctly clear throughout.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humour and hurt.

Erma Bombeck

So many shows are no accustomed to avoiding the discussion of particular hard-hitting topics, or perhaps not being realistic or in-depth enough for fear of upsetting or offending people, however you certainly can’t say the same for this. Combine Tony’s brutal honesty and brashness with slapstick comedy from him and the various other characters, and you get a show which will leaves its viewers in hysterical laughter one minute and flooding with tears the next.

While I appreciate the tender nature of heavy language, as well as the heavy topic of death, may put some people off from watching, the roller-coaster of emotions incurred by laugh-out-loud comedy and gut-wrenching grief mean that there is something in it for everybody. No matter what your tastes are.

When we think of all the great TV series or movies we have seen, would it be a safe bet to say that most of the greatest successes are ones where we can relate to the characters and the situations they find themselves in? Where you can look at certain person like Tony, Matt or Sandy and think ‘I know how they feel’, that makes sense, or I’ve been through a similar experience to that. If we can relate to something or somebody, naturally we will embrace and be drawn into a narrative much more. In my opinion, After Life does this to near perfection!

With the topics of death and grief being so at the forefront of the storyline, you’d imagine it’d be hugely challenging to include such frequent and witty snippets of humour without seeming to ‘make light of’the issues discussed and that so many people undoubtedly experience everyday. Comedy may be often a safe haven for talking about difficult topics and bringing them into the spotlight, however that doesn’t mean nobody ever oversteps the line and causes more harm than good. After all the line can be very blurred!

That being said, over the course of 6 episodes, I honestly believe that the balance between comedy and exploring difficult emotions was managed well. Controversial remarks and scenes were certainly aplenty throughout the series, nonetheless they were projected using a sense of irony whereby viewers could laugh uncontrollably during a situation which would usually be serious and without laughter. Particularly Matt (Tony’s brother-in-law) and his experience with a ridiculous, incompetent therapist in an attempt to solve problems in his marriage.

Although the overall purpose of After Life is to provide an honest account of the impacts of loss, and that recovery isn’t linear, I’d say that my favourite part of season 2 was being able and comfortable to laugh at any given opportunity. It wasn’t forced!

Following the huge success of the 2nd series, Gervais also recently announced that Netflix have commissioned a 3rd series coming in 2021. I for one, can’t wait to see how the storyline will progress and what will happen next.

Could a new romance be on the cards for Tony I wonder?!

P.S. Apologies if I gave any spoilers, I tried my best to avoid many key details.

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment
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