Life Moves On, But Some Things Remain The Same

Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it, you can never get it back.

Harvey Mackay

To anybody that’s indulged in my writing before, or simply gives a flying shit, I’m back. For the first time in 10 months, I’ve sat down, opened up my laptop and decided to write a piece. The time frame may not seem much, and while that’s absolutely true in the grand scheme of things, it genuinely feels like an eternity since I’ve had the knowledge, motivation or creative capacity to articulate my jumbled thoughts and allow other people to understand where my head is at. Because despite finding a new job, making new friends, beginning my quest to travel across the globe and turning another year older (23 now) in the time elapsed between this and my previous blog, so much has painstakingly remained the same in the mold of the 1993 film ‘Groundhog Day’. Cue the sighs and frustration 😦

Now after that little introduction, shall we get into it?

Here’s a little snippet into my life in recent times:

Having started my role as a tram conductor for Blackpool Transport at the end of July last year, I now feel pretty settled and equipped to do the job well. Like many people feel, it was a nerve-racking mission getting to know my work colleagues and becoming accustomed to such a busy customer-facing environment. Particularly in the height of summer in a busy seaside resort, the people obviously come thick and fast, however it did surprise me how quickly I was able to make friends, pick up the intricacies of the job and adapt to a fairly hectic work schedule.

Neverthless, we all have our challenges and moments of realisation. For too long I have papered over the cracks of living with depression, anxiety and self-doubt by distracting myself with work, travelling around and arranging random meet-ups with friends, however I’ve recognised I cannot continue the ignore the issues at hand and simply carry on with life without addressing the root causes of my problems. Utilising outlets like leaning on friends, immersing yourself in different cultures or throwing yourself into work certainly have a positive purpose don’t get me wrong, yet we all come to a stage where we NEED to confront the demons head on and understand that things won’t just miracously ‘get better’. That nobody is going to wave a mysterious magic wand and do the work for me.

Although I’ve started private therapy at the cost of ÂŁ40 per hour (we’ll save the NHS frustration for another blog) and began to build a solid relationship with my therapist, it’s very much early days and there’s clearly an awful long way to go before I begin to make significant improvements. Because of the nature of therapy and the fact you are tasked with reliving past traumas, I’m more than happy to admit that I’ve found it difficult bringing certain events back to the forefront of my mind as they’ve been buried and untouched for so damn long.

Thursday 2nd March, 2023

As I board the tram to work, greeted by the two conductors and a wave of passengers located around them, a dark cloud descends as feelings of numbnness and sheer dread wash over me. Slumping into a chair near the front double doors, I engage in brief casual small talk with work colleagues. Then, placing my head in my hands as the tears flow like a river, I turn my body towards the window to hide the pain and shame I currently feel. While I’m way more open and honest than I’ve ever been- encouragingly so- I’d be lying if I claimed to be comfortable with the idea of random strangers witnessing my expressions of anguish and potentially judging me for it. I wish it wasn’t the case but sadly it’s true. Sadly I still view it as a weakness or a failure, even though I’d NEVER utter such callous words to a friend or family member in a similar situation.

Finally reaching the depot after a period of roughly 45 minutes (which felt like a year I might add), I rush off the tram, barge through the metal gate, speed through the front office unable to look anybody straight in the eye and lock myself in the first available toilet cubicle. Slouching to the floor with my backpack placed firmly against the wall, again the tears start to trickle and I almost don’t want to leave. Behind the barrier of a toilet door, I feel safe in the knowledge that I can let out a plethora of emotions without people having to see me in such a disturbing state.

Once a couple minutes pass, I claw myself to my feet, exit the toilet door and take a prolonged deep breath in the mirror. Bumping into a service manager as I then enter the canteen opposite, we head upstairs for a chat as she senses how distressed I’ve become. Although I was nervous about her response and what this could mean for my job at the company moving forward, I was relieved to be treated with such respect and warmth when sharing my history of anxiety and depression, current difficulties with friends and family and how my situation is affecting my performance in the workplace. While the decision wasn’t taken lightly, and isn’t likely to be long-term, I’ve been given time off work to focus on my mental health.

It’s not going to be easy, and I will need to lean on support (never withdraw completely, it’s a bad idea trust me), however I am thankful for the opportunity to even take a break in the first place. After all, mental health may be better understood but that doesn’t mean many people aren’t dismissed or ridiculed with claims they’re ‘doing it for attention’ or are too lazy to work.

We spend so much of our lives working, therefore the BARE minimum we should expect is adequate support from our employers. To the workplaces failing on this, please do better. Formulate a wellbeing strategy, make employees the priority, create a cohesive environment and watch the profits flow. But don’t just take my word for it…

According to the Mental Health Foundation, having better mental health support in the workplace can save UK businesses up to ÂŁ8 billion (yes ÂŁ8 billion) annually!!

It’s 2023 people- no more excuses.

A happier, healthier workforce means a more productive workplace!

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

The Power Of Conversation

Good conversation is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

In periods of hardship and difficult mental health, the brain is regularly guilty of lying and almost encouraging us to ‘hide away’ and face certain situations alone. That we’re a burden and nobody cares about what’s going in our lives. That it’s a weakness to open up in times of need, or simply whenever we’d simply like to offload.

No matter how much the rational side of the brain disputes these negative statements and reminds us of people who care about us- whether that be friends, family or work colleagues- I speak from experience in saying it’s incredibly easy to slip into dangerous modes of thinking and isolate yourself from the rest of the world because you fear people’s reactions. You fear pushing people away. You fear making a situation worse. And you fear the potential that somebody will view you differently to what they did before you opened up.

Now while I’m far from the ‘finished article’ and still have my doubts when having a chat with somebody, becoming increasingly open has been predominantly positive and taught me so many valuable life lessons.

Firstly, we should never underestimate the unbelievable power and benefits of conversation. Phrases such as “tell me what’s going on” or “hey mate, mind if we have a chat?” are effective yet uncomplicated ways to get the ball rolling.

Furthermore, as the common motto states: a problem shared is a problem halved. If I’m having a particularly rough day and I’d like support or some specific advice, I often take the time to reach out to somebody I trust. People won’t always be willing, available or in a position to help, however when someone is, I rarely come away from such conversations feeling any worse or more frustrated than before the conversation started. There are few worse feelings than dealing with something difficult alone, therefore making that decision to ‘bite the bullet’ and be honest about how you’re feeling allows you to gather support and feel less isolated in your struggles.

After all, by confiding in someone else you can experience the great pleasure of being heard. Being valued. Being appreciated. Of feeling like someone understands or relates to how you’re feeling, what you’re going through or where you’re coming from. Without expressing your thoughts and emotions, one way or another, it can be very difficult to pick yourself up and process the pain or confusion which could be running amuck in your head. The last thing you want is to spiral!

In having the opportunity to digest fresh opinions and perspectives- opening your mind to different ideas you might never have considered otherwise- you also allow yourself to reflect and grow as a person. Gain new knowledge. Become better educated. Feel more informed. Restore clarity. Make better decisions in future scenarios than you would have if you’d ‘gone it alone’ because you’re more aware of what helps and what doesn’t.

Society has taught that it’s the cool thing to be self-sufficient and handle life on our own, however this isn’t possible all the time. Or even remotely sustainable. We humans are social creatures who thrive on being connected and building relationships with other people, so it’s okay to lean on other people for support at times! It’s okay to prioritise strong social relationships!

If you’re feeling stuck and unsure how to move forward (trust me I’ve been there a million times), I plead you to take my advice. Reach out. Text a friend. Visit a family member. Call a helpline. No matter what happens, there’ll always be at least 1 person eager to listen and have a chit-chat. Incorporate talking into your daily routine!

You may think it’s pointless and there’s nothing to gain, yet what’s there to lose? An old-fashioned chinwag might just spring you into action and be the catalyst for inspiration and action you never thought you needed.

Who knows? You just might bring a smile to another person’s face as well.

And that’s as good a reason as any!

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

5 Myths Of Happiness- And Why They’re Harmful

It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you’re doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It’s what you think about it.

Dale Carnegie

Whether you’re happy, content, thriving and loving life, or miserable, unsatisfied and hating everything that life entails, I think it’s fair for me to say that we all have a rough idea of what certain things we think would bring us to a better place emotionally. Now even if this is true, however, it is extremely important that we acknowledge and tackle a number of myths that could be leading people to seek happiness in the wrong ways. After all, prior to reading and understanding considerable information on this subject, I was guilty of believing these stereotypes myself.

Happiness means you cannot feel sad, bad or pissed off.

In much the same way that suffering depression doesn’t mean you can’t experience happy, positive emotions, being a happy person doesn’t make you exempt from difficult, challenging times. No matter your situation and where you lay on the ‘happy-sad scale’, you will experience some great highs and probably very low lows. That’s part and parcel of life. The only thing we can do is learn how to cope and be resilient in the face of adversity, all while not becoming too overjoyed or complacent when something good happens. And if you’re in the extremely fortunate position to be in a great place, it’s important to remind yourself that a bad day doesn’t make a bad life. It’s perfectly natural to feel a bit shit sometimes!

Getting that house, that money, that car will be your route to true happiness.

No matter how much the media or people online try to ram down our throats luxury living and the idea that material objects will solve all bad, I promise you it’s simply not true. It’s all an illusion. Just look at the evidence. If happiness was defined by financial wealth, status, fame, assets or the amount of cars on the driveway, why are the Elon Musks, Jeff Bezos’ and Bill Gates of this world not the jolliest, most content people on the planet? Or conversely, why are the poorest, most disadvantaged people not always the most unhappy? I’ll tell you why. Because achieving a state of happiness depends on way more than the cash in your bank account or that massive house you may be living in. Without the ability to love yourself, the activities you partake in and the people you surround yourself with on a daily basis, it’s nigh on impossible to feel happy. Now it’s all well and good for me to say this on here, therefore we need to be teaching kids this as well! Early intervention, I believe…

A change of scenery means automatic change of fortune.

While it is undeniably true that altering your surroundings and travelling to places you’ve never previously explored can free up the mind and broaden your horizons, the reality is that the effects of such scenery changes are short-lived. It’s not a sustainable solution. If you’re hoping that ‘escaping’ from your usual surroundings is the ‘magic bullet’ you’ve been waiting for, you’d be rudely mistaken. Without taking the necessary steps and discipline (this is the extremely key word) to address recurring toxic, debilitating thoughts and build consistent positive habits, you’re likely to be left feeling lost, unfulfilled and seeking happiness in your external environment. Trust me I know. Every self-help guru on the planet says it, but it’s true. Happiness is built from within.

Success equals happiness

Though hitting goals and key targets can allow us to feel content and proud of what we’ve achieved, focussing all of your energy on the idea that securing a particular job or graduating university will make you happy only provides short-term satisfaction. Satisfaction that will probably dissipate in the event that you face an obstacle that means you cannot experience another big moment of success. Many things in life are purely out of the reams of our control, therefore it’s incredibly important that we savour the processes that happen every single day. Rather than just the occasions that give us those monumental highs!

You have to be self-sufficient all the time

Don’t get it twisted. Relying on yourself and becoming your own comfort blanket in times of adversity is vitally important- particularly because those around us will not always be around to help. Or even willing to. That being said, it’s virtually impossible to wholly independent 24-7. And it’s also counterproductive as we can’t benefit from the advice of others. With humans being social creatures, we thrive on the relationships and memories we share with those closest to us. In fact, many research studies have suggested that good social relationships are the strongest, most consistent predictors of a happy life. So the next time you’re considering braving a situation alone because you think you need to handle it on your own, remember that it’s okay to put a significant portion of your time towards building friendships and a better social life. Striking a great balance between self-sufficiency and utilising social relationships will give you a great start on the path to happiness.

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

Adam, Where Have You Gone?

Nobody talks about the other loss, the loss that happens within us. We lose people and things, but we also lose parts of ourselves. We grieve those missing parts too.

Caroline George

For only the second time this year, I’m back on this space to blog. To write freely. To express plenty of emotions that have been left unhealthily buried and hidden below the surface for slightly too long. While lots has changed for the better and I will recognise that as well, it feels important that I share the darker side of what’s happened in recent times. Be honest. Pull no punches. As I always have been in previous years when talking about mental health. Fantastic as it is to help others, writing this is more for my own freedom and comfort. And it is okay to say that.

When I started my new job in January, at an organisation that is so passionate about improving lives, I came into the role with great hope and ambitions that I could make my own positive contributions to this extremely worthwhile cause. With plenty going on in my personal life, of which I’ll delve into later, I am proud that I was able to put those problems ‘to the side’ and focus the lion’s share of my energy into doing my job effectively. Initially, to my delight, I was making progress. A large proportion of my job as a marketing and communications assistant involves recruiting volunteers, therefore noticing a considerable spike in volunteer sign-ups filled me with satisfaction. A feeling that the work I’d carried out was being rewarded. Slowly but surely I was getting there. Or so I thought…

Nevertheless, in the previous month or so, the progression of work has ground to a screeching halt. Whenever I turn on my laptop and sit down to tackle work tasks, I cannot maintain focus as my mind flickers from one place to another. Second by second. Minute by minute. One working day feels like a month. The high standards I set of myself are not being met. Not by a long stretch.

Spending copious time browsing and staring at a screen, the novelty of working from home has well and truly worn off as I seek changes of scenery, greater routine, regular face-to-face interaction and real-life conversations. Emails, zoom calls and screen sharing have their place- undoubtedly- however the lack of variety (for me anyway) is both monotonous and draining. With motivation low and productivity hindered, I also feel incredibly guilty and disappointed that I’m not contributing to the same degree as I was in the beginning. Am I cut out for this? Who knows. Do I look elsewhere? Or do I remain patient and pray it gets better with time? Not a fucking clue! Fears of possibly losing my job and being unable to support myself financially run wild in my brain.

Having experienced the loss of an extremely valuable friendship, which has hurt me deeply, not to mention a plethora of horror-like dating disasters, it’s clear to see that the adverse events of my personal life have increasingly spilled over and negatively influenced so many aspects of my life. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’ve felt empty. Numb. Unable to process the trauma I’ve encountered as I flip-flop between a state of denial and shock. Lamenting myself for how certain situations have transpired, I question how I continue to enter precarious situations and make the same types of mistakes that I’ve made in the past. Thoughts of ‘you should know better’ and ‘why have you done that?’ buzz around my head like a bumblebee in the height of summer.

Through attempting to fill a gaping void of those who have walked out on me (rightly or wrong), this has resulted in expending untold amounts of energy into other people. Rather than investing in myself and prioritising my own needs FIRST, I’m craving the love, respect and acceptance that is desperately required from within. The problem is, I’ve been stuck. In searching for validation and becoming overly reliant on others for your own sense of happiness, you set yourself a very dangerous trap. Because, whenever your strive for affection, attention or understanding isn’t met, the self-critique shouts louder. It becomes second nature to try even harder. Make extra effect. Sap your mind of almost all its energy. But the reality is it usually doesn’t make a difference. In fact, the harder you try the more likely you are to ‘drive a wedge’ and push people away. Sad but unfortunately true. And even if the validation does calm your anxiety or put a smile on your face, this is unsustainable and short-term relief at the very most.

Obvious as it probably seems, recent events have smacked me square in the face and confirmed one KEY point. You cannot control other people’s actions and how they feel. Facing a huge crisis in confidence and losing sight of who I really am deep down, it’s time for me to bring the real Adam back. To let go of mistakes and truly look inward. To focus on believing in what I can achieve, controlling the ‘controllables’ and doing more things that light up that ‘fire in the belly’.

As my therapist once asked: “how many friends would you have if you spoke to them the way you spoke to yourself?”

Without hesitation, I uttered “none”.

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

New Beginnings

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the full staircase, just take the first step.

Martin Luther King Jr.

No matter who you are, where you come from or how ‘strong’ you actually are, starting something fresh is daunting. Scary. Possibly overwhelming. Entering the unknown and exploring new opportunities may be part and parcel of life for basically everybody, however that doesn’t mean the anxiety or uncertainty about what will be happen or whether you’ll succeed ceases to exist.

Having recently left university and moved back to my parents from a shared student house, you could certainly say that my life has gone full circle. An awful lot has changed. It’s very difficult to process and understand. Now while I have discussed my reasons for leaving uni previously on this blog, particularly why it was the best choice for me in that moment, I’d be lying if I said that making such a huge decision wasn’t terrifying. I was to-ing and fro-ing for ages. My mind was flooded with thoughts of ‘what if, am I acting soon, how will I cope, what will I do next?’. If university wasn’t for me at this point in life, I grew increasingly worried about the other options on the table. Dedicating time and extensive energy applying for countless jobs, across a variety of sectors, yet hearing no positive news was both deflating and disheartening. Naturally it’s easy to lose belief. You can think it’s your fault, rather than the case of a stacked, competitive job market. And when you are under pressure to support yourself financially, all while suffering mentally with no sense of routine, life has a funny (or not so funny) way of dragging you into a ‘pit of despair’. You feel like a burden. That you are merely existing and not providing anything worthwhile. You wonder where your next bit of good news is coming from. But the problem is that the longer you are forced to wait and bide your time, the more likely you are to give up and stop trying altogether. That being said, remaining proactive and persistent is key. The door has to be slowly bashed down. From my own experience- and probably many others as well- you will find the best slices of luck when you continue to focus on what you truly want. It’s undoubtedly cliche, so please don’t cringe when I say this, but I suppose you can ‘speak goals into existence.’

After weeks of failed job searching, applications and interviews, it was shortly before Christmas when I was given a firm job offer as a marketing and communications assistant at a non-profit organisation called Hullo (I’ll leave their link below.) I can’t tell you how excited for I am for the challenge and opportunity to progress my career.

Although my journey into the world of mental health campaigning and advocacy has been the greatest thing I’ve ever done, and allowed me to meet so many fascinating, inspiring people, I certainly never anticipated that it would give me so many transferrable life skills and the opportunity to work in a paid position this soon. This was the wider aim yes, however I feel both proud and extremely grateful that the tireless work I’ve carried out volunteering has counted for something more. Because without taking the courageous choice to step outside my comfort zone and share my story, I wouldn’t have been able to build the connections I’ve established and showcase the most valuable qualities that I possess. Simply speaking, I would never have received this brilliant employment opportunity should I have opted against doing things that made me nervous or slightly uncomfortable. That’s just how it works. It’s a very difficult truth- but you just have to put yourself in the line of fire sometimes. It won’t always work and you will face moments of disappointment, however that doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong call. It just means you have to look elsewhere. And find something you’re potentially better suited to anyway! The more accustomed we become to making tough calls and doing stuff that scares us, the greater our confidence and strength in the long run.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Neale Donald Walsch

Endings are often traumatic yet they don’t define you as a person. You’re not a failure or a quitter for exploring other options and trying to create a happier life for yourself. After all, if a friend or family member was seeming very unhappy and questioning whether they should start something new, what would you say? Would you ridicule, criticise or make them feel guilty? Or would you encourage them to seek out what they want and put themselves first? I think you know the answer…

https://www.hullo.org/

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

Finding, And Living, Your True Purpose

There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honour your calling. It’s why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.

Oprah Winfrey

At this moment in time, in a world that continues to adapt and evolve more than many thought possible, how many of us can honestly say we have realised our true purpose in life? And not only that, but how many of us can say we are living our everyday lives in direct alignment with our purpose and doing things we genuinely love on a frequent basis? After all, recognising something can be tough enough, but implementing a plan or a passion can be a whole different story. Especially given the heightened responsibilities surrounding things as family, friendships, housing, employment and finances in the current generation, to name a few, people can be heavily burdened by the weight of these expectations or priorities, therefore following what you believe to be your ‘true purpose’ can be viewed as unrealistic. A pipedream. Something that is simply speaking, way out of your reach. Something that only the most intelligent, rich and successful people can do. How can it happen to me, you might ask?

Now I ask you that as a person who’s been in these positions myself. Having recently left university, moved places and unquestionably at a crossroads in my life, I’m currently torn between getting a job that will simply secure me more financially, a job I am more likely to enjoy but will inevitably be harder to find, or thinking ‘fuck it’ and risking everything to set up a community interest company (CIC) and live my dream of working in local communities to generate conversations and shine a brighter spotlight on mental health. Each have their own advantages. Yet sadly, each have significant drawbacks too. The question is: What do I do? And what should you do if you find yourself in a similar precarious situation?

Firstly, set out a clear plan or vision. Weigh up the pros and cons. Write them down in a comparative list as this can increase clarity of thought and direction. Get to a place where you know (or close to know) whether the possible rewards outweigh the potential risks. Difficult choices and an intense fear of doing something wrong or regretting it naturally makes us unsure and indecisive, therefore it’s crucial that we are well informed and don’t wait around forever not choosing one route or the other. After all, no decision is still a decision. I know it’s extremely hard, and this is something I continue to contend with daily, but umming and ahing about a million different things benefits us very little. Trust me I know. The only thing it does is create unnecessary anxiety and compound feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness. Without clarity, we are simply nothing because we won’t know what we want or why we want something.

With the average adult making approximately 35,000, yes 35,000 conscious decisions each day- and 226 on food alone (Cornell University)- this means it’s paramount that we reduce or simplify the smaller choices we are tasked with so we can focus more on preparing for the ‘bigger’ stuff. The stuff that really matters. Otherwise, we’ll be there all fucking day and never get anything important done will we? We’ll never be able to grow, develop and say we’re living in accordance to our true purpose because the cycle of procrastination, overthinking and harmful habits will repeat itself. Again and again and again. Much like that movie Groundhog Day where actor Bill Murray finds himself in a time warp and the very unfortunate position of reliving the same day continuously.

Sometimes we’ll be forced to make quick, immediate decisions, yes, however predominantly we need to both think and act SMARTER. Calmer. Logically. Not quicker. Not recklessly. Not impulsively. While it may free up more time in the short-term, making decisions in destructive states of high emotion and irrationality can deeply hurt us in the long-run because we may change our minds another 50, 100 or 1000 times. And that’s dangerous as the more accustomed we become to doubting our gut instincts, the greater the likelihood of that it’ll keep happening and we’ll never trust ourselves again. Self-doubt is the worst!

Nobody is perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes. You will have your ‘down days’ and moments of weakness. And nothing is going to dramatically change overnight. That being said, there’s no reason that you can’t become optimise productivity and live a life full to the brim with purpose should you work hard and remain focussed on a key goal. Never forget your ‘why’ and how a particular activity makes you feel inside!

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam Howard2 Comments

Diary Entry #4: Breakdowns, Guilt & Time For Help

Maybe there’s more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.

Veronica Roth

Right now I’m struggling to articulate how I truly feel, but here I’ll try my best. Sometimes writing can be therapeutic- so let’s hope this is one of those occasions.

Having just experienced another panic attack, breakdown or whatever term you wish to use, the overwhelming feeling was simply wanting the pain to stop. Pacing around in circles, head in my hands, tears flowing and my mind plagued with a trillion different thoughts, I liken the intensity and difficulty of facing a panic attack to being punched. Or hit with a bat repeatedly. There seems to be no possible escape. And the ironic thing is the harder you try to quiet down the mind, the worse it often gets. It’s easy to spiral and lose control quickly.

With what I’ve battled through recently, whether it be the disappointment of dropping out of university or fearing my financial situation, it’s obvious to see that I longer have any form of routine. I don’t really know how to occupy time. Even when I do decide what to do to simply pass the time on offer, I’m finding very little shreds of enjoyment. Nothing is stimulating me. I seem to be existing, not living. In not being distracted, focused or following my passions, I’ve certainly been thinking- and overthinking- in copious, unhealthy amounts.

If I had to identify my biggest issue, I would argue that it’s acceptance. I struggle to let go. Move on. Recognise that it’s impossible to be perfect. Although mistakes are part and parcel of life, and certainly don’t define you as a person, I’m holding onto to an incredible level of envy, guilt and regret. No matter how many times I tell myself, or somebody else does, that I can’t take my actions back and that I can use these experiences to grow as a person, I seem to be stuck in a never-ending cycle of contemplating the past. It hurts me deep inside to think of the friends I have lost, the unnecessary frustrations I have vented and the situations I could have easily avoided had I handled things differently and managed my emotions in a better fashion.

“Why did I do it? What was I thinking? Why couldn’t I step away? How did I impact that other person? What did I hope to achieve? And why, oh why, when I’ve made the same mistakes over and over, do I continue to make the same ridiculous, naive choices?” If I can’t learn and reduce the error in my ways, does that make me stupid? An idiot? Worthless? A horrible person? With these questions ringing on a loop, the guilt is undoubtedly eating me alive. Tearing me apart. Slowly but surely, as I strive to come to grips with my past and right particular wrongs, all I’m doing is driving myself into the ground and becoming a mere shell of my former self. A completely different person. And that person unfortunately, is someone I really do not like.

Deep down I know I require long-term professional support to confront and get to the bottom of why I feel these emotions, however part of me believes I’m beyond help. Maybe I don’t even deserve it. After all, just because I’ve struggled in the past, it doesn’t mean the people around should’ve had to suffer too. I hate the fact I have done that. I’m extremely sorry. More than anything in the entire world. Give me one wish in the world and I’d ask to take away the pain I’ve caused to those I’ve previously been really close to. I know it’s very easy to say but it’s never been my intention to upset people. I relish making people smile. From the bottom of my heart, I’d do anything for those I love. Time after time I’ve taken things for granted, behaved in a confrontational manner and pushed people away, most probably as a defence mechanism, however that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate or recognise the value people bring to my life. While it could be too late and I may have lost certain people forever, I pray for a future where therapy provides me with the toolkit to become better and stronger. A life free of constant regret and resentment.

Yes it doesn’t work for everyone, yet what have I got to lose? It could be the break I needed…

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

Whatever You Grow, Will Save A Bro!

I’m a man and no less of a man for admitting ‘I’m not okay’ and for openly talking about the constant struggle and battle I face with myself every single day.

Joe Plumb

To begin, I’d like to share some important yet harrowing statistics. Men die on average 5 years earlier than women. 75% of suicides in the UK are male. Approximately one man every minute globally is lost to suicide. More than 1.4 million men worlwide are diagnosed with prostate cancer each year; 10.8 million are currently living with the illness. Testicular cancer is the most common cancer amongst men aged between 15 and 39. While I know that’s plenty of information to digest in such a short space of time, I’m sure we can both agree that’s all fairly shocking right? Whether you’re striving for a world where more men can speak about their mental health, and receive the approriate treatment, you’ve faced cancer yourself or you’re aiming for a world where more men can survive a diagnoses and live a meaningful, fulfilled life, there are so many ways you can support the movement that is revolutionsing the way we think and act on men’s health issues.

Now we know a small snippet of the huge problems men continue to face, I thought it’d be useful to discuss some of the biggest aims and projects that the Movember charity has created to address such problems. Since its inception in 2003, an idea that started over a quiet beer between founders Travis Garone and Luke Slattery in Melbourne, Australia, this ever-growing movement has funded over 1250 men’s health projects, recruited approximately 6.5 million ‘Mo bros and sisters’ and reached over 20 countries including the UK, USA, Spain, France, South Africa, Germany, Canada, Singapore and Hong Kong. Not bad for something that was thought up over an informal chat in a bar right? And the great thing is they’re only just getting started.

In doing what others are not, uniting leading experts, listening to communities and advocating for what men really want, we can look forward to a future where vital research is advanced and more men can access quality and appropriate treatment when necessary. We cannot afford to leave people behind!

Even amongst the huge challenges and serious dire consequences of the COVID-19 pandemic, whether that be physically, mentally, socially or financially, Movember maintained a relentless commitment to men’s health and announced the funding of 34 separate projects that will work to support the mental health and wellbeing of men and boys. Not only that- and arguably more importantly- they decided to launch a mass media ‘behaviour change’ campaign aimed at encouraging millions more young men to talk about their mental health.

As someone who’s struggled with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts for a number of years now, almost on a daily basis, I can definitely see the huge positive strides we’ve taken across society in the way we view and treat mental health problems. However the fight is not over. Far from it in fact. Campaigns and projects like ones introduced by Movember, amongst other charities, are a giant step in the right direction though. The more we pull together and recognise the changes that need to be made, the better the lives of men/boys in the long term. It’s easy to sit there and think you can’t make a difference, probably because we often think only as individuals, however this charity is living proof of what can be achieved when we establish clear goals and a sense of community! No matter who you are or where you come from, you can get on board with this movement, or be impacted by the issues Movember seeks to reduce. And the great thing is you’re not alone in the battle! Alone we can do little; together we can do so much…

If you wish to donate to my personal or team fundraising page, laugh at my terrible attempt at growing a moustache, or simply find out more about the life-changing work Movember continues to achieve, please visit the links below. Oh, and why not grow a moustache yourself or take on a challenge of your own? You’ve nothing to lose! There are so many cool and inventive ways you can get involved!

Day 4 of 30

https://uk.movember.com/?home

https://uk.movember.com/mospace/14694811

https://uk.movember.com/team/2416562?fbclid=IwAR2QQqkVeKNRlL-pxw8GYyOrxcfEYhX7dCusc_oD5vWO7YtuhBoBWZBWel4

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

Discussing The Future (Raw And Honest)

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves- regret for the past and fear of the future.

Fulton Oursler

First of all, I’d like to rewind. The year is 2020. September 2020 to be precise. Though you’d be correct in saying that is 13 months ago and very recent history indeed, for me it feels to me like an eternity ago. From that point to now, everything seems to have flown by in an instant. The world has changed, moved on, developed. And so have I.

The reason I have taken us back to September of 2020 is due to its significance. At this time I was embarking on the new and exciting, yet scary and unsettling, experience of moving away to University. After packing my belongings (of which there were many) and buying all the necessary essentials that are required for living in a shared flat, I was off to begin a fresh start in a new location 80 miles from the place I’ve lived my entire life. Fleetwood to Chester. And for those of you that don’t know, that’s quite the culture change I must say.

Despite the concerns around missing home comforts like my family, friends, dog and the beach (don’t forget that), I went into my 1st year very much recognising the endless positive possibilities. The friends I could make. The places I could visit. The societies I could join. The wild nights out to be had. The sheer elation and sense of gratification I would receive in completing a tough 3-year degree that would mean I could find my dream career.

But now, unfortunately for me, is the huge stumbling block. Although much of what I’d envisaged about the uni life was true- particularly in the countless brilliant people I’ve been lucky enough to meet- I’ve reached a point shortly into my 2nd year where enough is enough. Things have to change. I need to put my OWN needs first.

After much toing and froing and more changed decisions than you could ever possibly imagine, I have made the extremely tough decision to take time away from my degree. Sitting here thinking about it I do feel a sense of shame and disappointment that I’m stepping away, primarily as it feels like a massive defeat, however I have long reiterated that our mental health should be the greatest priority. No matter how much we (or others) maintain that it’s best to carry on or ‘stick at’ something for as long as possible, life has a funny way of reminding us about how we truly feel and what we really need. To an outsider, especially one that doesn’t know me, it may look as though I’m taking an easy road out. One that requires less work and dedication. Yet the reality is, if we think about it logically, I’m making a bold, courageous choice.

While in the short-term I’ll be relieving myself of academic workloads and stresses, opting to leave university (for however long) provides me with the chance to assess my options and the many alternatives. Work out what I really want. Find a job. Make new connections. It doesn’t mean I have to give up on university and a degree indefinitely. The desire for that will always remain, I can almost guarantee that. It just means I can explore various things that I wouldn’t have been able to had I chosen to remain at uni, all while attempting to improve my mental health to a level that will enable me to achieve the best of my ability should I return to complete the final 2 years of study. Whether you’ve done a degree, or you haven’t, it’s obvious in saying that it needs a great level of focus and commitment. You can’t do it half-heartedly. And plus, that’s not me anyway. The last, and I mean last, thing I want is to give 50% and not reach my full potential because outside influences have simply got in the way. Distracted me. When I have a goal in mind, I’m left disappointed if I cannot give it everything.

Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

Although I never pictured pausing my degree at such a premature stage, part of me is trying to embrace the other possibilites that could await me in the future. When in the uni bubble, it’s difficult to look outward and realise what else is on offer because you’re so focussed on attending lectures, completing assignments, going to social nights, chatting to housemates and whatever else you can cram in. Yes I’d be lying if I said the prospect of moving or entering employment wasn’t scary, however I have one key element on my side. Something many others do not have. Occupation-wise, I know what I’m looking for. 100%. It’s just a small matter of finding it!

With the trials and tribulations that lay ahead, for my sake and yours, I think it’s important for us to remember this. Stopping something doesn’t make you weak, stupid or a loser. And it certainly doesn’t mean you won’t ever achieve your goals. It simply means you’re human. Confide in someone if you’re scared (I know I have).

No matter where you are or what you’ve been through, you can and will get to where you want eventually. It’ll take a shit loads of guts and plenty of determination, however leaving something behind doesn’t have to keep you down forever. And who knows- it might be the best decision you’ve ever made. You just don’t know it yet!

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment

The Queen Of New York

A hero is an individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.

Christopher Reeve

Earlier this year, 18 year-old Emma Raducana was completing her A-Levels in Mathematics and Economics. And in July of this year, the relatively ‘unheard of’ teenager had crashed out of the fourth round of Wimbledon, with notable people such as John McEnroe and Piers Morgan questioning her mental strength and ability to cope with the pressure as she cited ‘breathing problems’ and ‘feeling dizzy’ as the primary reasons for her retirement against Australian Alya Tomljanovic. Yet despite this, only 2 months later under the bright lights of New York at Flushing Meadows, on the same day that America mourned the victims of the 9/11 attacks exactly 20 years on, the world number 150 and rank outsider completed one of sports’ greatest EVER triumphs (male or female) as she captured the US open trophy and the healthy sum of $2.5 million. Not bad for anybody, let alone a teenager eh?

Securing her own unique place in the history books as the first person ever to win a Tennis major title having started the tournament as a qualifier, Raducanu’s achievement is even more remarkable when you consider the fact she didn’t drop a single set in 10 consecutive wins and was extraordinarily ruthless in disposing of stern opposition. Women with more experience and positioned higher in the world rankings. Women, who simply put, were expected to outperform and derail her bid to shock the sporting universe.

In a showpiece final billed as the battle of the teenagers, with Canadian opponent Laylah Fernandez only a year Raducanu’s senior at 19, this was a contest that pitted two of Tennis’ brightest prospects against each other for the first time since the 2nd round of the Girls’ singles at Wimbledon in 2018. A match which Raducanu incidentally comfortably came out of top. Only this time, like neither had ever encountered, this was the professional ranks and the eyes of the whole world were watching closely in anticipation. With the pair closely matched, this was a test to see who would rise to the occasion and show up when it REALLY mattered. On the biggest stage of them all.

During a tight first set, which ebbed and flowed throughout, with incredible skill and composure from both on display, it was Great Britain’s Raducanu who edged her nose in front with a decisive break to take the first stanza 6-4. Heading into the second, one which Fernandez needed to win to keep her title hopes alive, Raducanu further illustrated her class and steely determination to battle past the strong resistance of Fernandez and take a 5-3 stronghold. Despite the toughness and never-say-die attitude that enabled Fernandez to beat numerous top-ranked opponents and reach the final in the first place, and the small fact that Raducanu was seen bleeding from the ankle after attempting to hit a return, she still would not be denied as she fittingly sealed the championship with a 6-4, 6-3 scoreline after firing a trademark ace.

Sinking to her knees and basking in the extraordinary glory of her achievement, this was a victory made all the more sweeter when you realise that the raucous American crowd inside Flushing Meadows was strongly in favour of Laylah Fernandez at every opportunity. Where every point she won brought silence, and every point lost brought raptuous noise and applause. Not since the days of Virginia Wade at Wimbledon in 1977 had Britain unearthed a Women’s Grand Slam champion. In emphatic fashion, however, that wait has finally come to an end. Even if, in our wildest dreams, we didn’t expect it to happen now!

So what’s next for the new British number 1 and world No.23 who’s plunged into stardom in a matter of weeks? Though you’d been forgiven for thinking this incredible rise from outsider to champion and newfound super-fame could be difficult to handle, especially for someone so young, let’s just say this. In the aftermath of her victory, Raducanu was quick to acknowledge the role of her brilliant coaches, friends and supportive parents. Now add to that the outstanding resilience she demonstrated in picking herself back up from the immense scrutiny and disappointment of Wimbledon, and you have a young woman with all the ingredients needed to remain at the highest level of her craft for a very, very long time indeed. Staying at the top is notoriously harder than getting there, but with the support of key people around her to keep her grounded, and a mental strength hailed as ‘special’, Raducanu is brilliantly equipped to prove she’s anything but a result of a fluke or a ‘flash in the pan’. Only time will tell- but I speak for many in saying I can’t wait to see how her career unfolds! Who knows what she can achieve…

With BBC Sports Personality of the Year fast approaching in December, have we got ourselves a new standout contender?

Thanks for reading,

Adam

Adam HowardLeave a comment
Advertisements
Create a website or blog at WordPress.com
%d bloggers like this: