Diary Entry #2: As Real And Honest As It Gets

One advantage in keeping a diary is that you become aware with reassuring clarity of the changes which you constantly suffer.

Franz Kafka

WARNING- The following content contains suicidal references. Please do not read on if you feel it could trigger past experiences or cause distress to your own mental health.

Sunday 31st May 2020

I want to end my life. These are the six small words I type in the search bar of my computer screen. Alone in my room, I sit crying. I feel numb. Tears are streaming down my face faster than it’s possible for me to wipe them away. I’m absolutely clueless as to how I can stop these emotions bubbling up and preventing a seismic, catastrophic explosion. Although I have experienced similar emotions in the past, today’s pain feels rather more insufferable and on a scale I’ve never endured previously.

The voice is my head is constant and negative, the volume is high and I have reached a point where I feel completely disconnected from the outside world and that my thoughts are trapping me. While suffering with a mental illness such as depression, bipolar, BPD etc. isn’t a whole reflection on the make-up of our personality and who were as people, what I’m feeling right now is that my struggles are consuming my entire existence, not a mere part or fraction. Reverting to emotions such as anger, upset, frustration and confusion, positive emotions are simply ‘swatted away like a fly’ and all that is left is negativity to wreak havoc and create huge destruction. What are you doing? You’re not good enough. Nobody gives a shit. Your life is worthless. You’ll never achieve anything. All you do is annoy and upset other people, especially the ones you care about most. Who would even notice if you were gone?

However much I fight against my brain’s automatic negative response to certain scenarios, attempting to bring about some perspective, the voices only seem to become louder. Thoughts lead to actions. Actions lead to consequences. ‘What have you done?’ I say regretfully, almost immediately after doing something stupid and impulsive. ‘Why did you do that fucking dickhead?’ The cycle of self-loathing continues to spiral at an alarming rate.

Sometimes adversity is what you need to face in order to become successful.

Zig Ziglar

I suppose in any given moment we can only act how we see fit, yet the problem is that our chosen solution and the right solution to a situation are not always the same thing. When we feel overwhelmed and stressed, it’s very easy to lose our train of thought and become rash in the decision- making process. In my experience anyway, particularly if I’m unsure, I’ll decide to confront a certain situation using a method I’ve opted for before. As debilitating as it can clearly be, we are very often creatures of habit. The challenge for me, and most probably some of you too, is to act fast and alter the ways that we confront the difficult situations that we will inevitably face. Nobody ever said it would be plain-sailing.

Today was unquestionably a monumental setback in the recovery process for me personally (I’ve certainly shed enough tears), however now more than ever, it’s vitally important that I remain active, talk when it’s required and do my best to avoid any triggers. Although it’s impossible for me to say whether this is a small bump in the road or will be far more difficult to overcome, all I can really do is move forward and try to hold on to some shred of hope. No matter how small the amount or how many more bad days I’ll have to suffer. I definitely do not believe it right this second, but I peer down to my left and mouth the four words inked on my arm. ‘This too shall pass’.

If you have reached this far, I thank you for taking the time to read. Hopefully you can learn something from my experiences!

P.S I know this is a very raw and personal post, however I thought it’d be interesting to share the realities of what many people will be facing at the moment.

Stay safe.

Thanks for reading,

Adam